Smile ??

So I told you about the dart guy,his name is Tom.(If you don't know about this read the post before this!No matter what I do it won't let me change the order).I already described,in depth his amazingness and sang his praises.He got off the dart that night and I thought I would never see him again.What are the chances, right??I didn't even know his name at that stage.

In the last few weeks we have had numerous conversations on the dart and we've even hung out.He's visited me in college and I've visited him in work.I won't bore you with the details and as it happens he is moving away to America...totes awky mo mo.We discussed the possibility of him potentially staying and the two of us eloping in a few years but it seems the man can not be stopped! :( (We didn't really talk like that but we decided we can't be together).You may be thinking that's an awful ending to the story however,sad as this is there's something happy that follows....

A few days ago I decided I'd see how the scar on my knee was healing up.It was really deeply cut so it's still a bit sore.I looked at it,it's healing well but the ironic thing is....it's a smiley face!!!One of the eyes looks like it's winking a bit too!!How crazy is that?!

So,he may be moving away to America and it's not decided how long for yet.He may come back sometime into the future and we both might look very different but I will have that scar forever.I'll always be reminded of Tom,the nice young man from the dart and he'll know it's me!!

Can I have your t-shirt?!

So a couple of weeks ago I was running to catch the dart(I told you it would feature a lot).Anyone who knows dart stations will know that Tara street is one of the most horrible ones.There are a set of steep escalators to the southbound platform.They are not designed for running...neither am I but I had two minutes to catch the train and if I missed it I would have to wait 40 mins in the cold.I decided I would brave it and run.I ran as quickly as I could,my bag rattled on my back and I began to regret carrying my laptop and books in with me that day.Nobody else seemed to feel a sense of urgency but I continued to run,clambering up the steps.About three quarters of the way up I fell down with a thud.Mortified, I got back up quickly,ignoring the pounding in my knee.I let the escalator do the rest of the moving and hobbled onto the train.

I thumped my bag down beside me and held my leg out for inspection.As I looked down my jaw dropped.My once navy tights were covered in blood.I searched my pockets for tissue but to no avail.My knee continued to drip.The pain was so bad I began to sob.I sat there feeling sorry for myself,there was nothing I could do.I looked around the carriage,there were few people.I had chosen to sit in the isolated booth with two sets of seats(people usually sit there if they want to drink).An older man sat across from me so I asked him for a tissue."I don't have one"he grunted.I smiled and went back to my original position,disgruntled at society.

I sat there for what felt like an eternity.Watching the door.Checking my pockets.Looking for split ends.The older man left and a new younger one arrived.My knee throbbed and I continued to feel sorry for myself.The young man sitting across from me glanced over occasionaly.His sandy hair fell over his eyes and he flicked it back with his fingers.His green hoody looked tired and washed out and his jeans moulded nicely to his legs.His shoes were warn out and his hands looked artistic.They were rough but from art not hard work.His skin was sallow and brown stubble peeped through it around his chin.His eyes were deep brown,the type you could get lost looking into.He was carrying a rucksack and he tapped his foot to the beat of his music.He looked like the type of person I would like to be friends with....in my dreams maybe.I knew I looked a state but I asked him for a tissue.
"Oh no,I'm really sorry,I don't'he replied as he rummaged through his pockets."Normally I would,sorry"he continued.I could hear sincerity in his voice,kindness in his smooth accent.His words were slow and gentle and they flowed like music.His voice matched his appearance.The type of voice I could get used to listening to.

I told him that was okay and I left him to his tunes.Within minutes I saw him glancing,flicking his hair.I tried to ignore it,looked out the window,looked for more split ends.Checked my knee,maybe it had suddenly got better.It continued to throb,I began to sniffle.He wouldn't hear me through his music surely.

I saw him glance over again."Are you okay?"He called as he walked towards me.He sat down beside me and began to rub my arm.(Being my awkward self I edged away,I pushed my back up again the window).I looked at him through teary eyes.He could tell by looking at me I wasn't.I explained what happened and showed him my knee.As I did the tears began streaming.He glanced at my knee and he moved to the seat opposite me.He inspected it,I could see the concentration in his face.His sandy hair swept over it and he flicked it as he came back up to look at me.He asked me did I have anything to wipe it with and I said no(if I did I wouldn't have asked for a tissue!He may have looked nice but he wasn't good at common sense!).He stopped for a minute,as if he was thinking and then frantically began to undress(don't panic!I'm a good,Christian girl remember!!)I watched in confusion,stared more like.There he was sitting opposite me,topless with his t-shirt in his hand.'Take this"he said.I didn't even think and took it.I couldn't help but stare at the half-naked man across from me.His body was so perfectly formed,his skin smooth.He had one pronounced freckle on his shoulder(is it weird that I remember this?!)I looked at him in dismay,'are yyyyou sssure?'I spluttered,it was hard to form sentences I was so taken a back.This was such an awkward moment,I didn't know what to do.I looked at the t-shirt,it was white and Hollister and I was about to stain it with my blood.I hardly knew the guy!!I took it anyway and held it on my leg while he continued the conversation,his soft voice was soothing.He was so calm.He asked me where I was going and I told him,he offered to stay with me 'til I got home.I so badly wanted him too but I told him it was fine.I reluctantly handed him back the t-shirt,covered in blood.I apologised for my awkwardness and he smiled.He rubbed my arm and whispered,'take care'.I didn't want him to leave but I let him.He waved as the train passed and dissapeared into the distance.

Bananarama

Recently my class went on a trip bowling.It was a cold friday evening and we all departed our separate ways.Country living has it's advantages and it's downfalls.Advantage is that I get to wake up and see the mountains everyday and I can escape from the hustle and bustle of city life.Downfall is that buses home are very irregular and I always have to get them by myself.

Anyway,that evening I waited for the bus.When I was a kid, bowling was a casual thing.Trackies and hoody kinda job.I had been told otherwise however.Friday night bowling was a more 'formal' affair.So I waited at the bus stop,short dress and no jacket.I shivered so much that the older men beside me offered me their coats.I politely declined the offer,cold as I was I do my best not to converse with strangers on cold,dark nights.I waited there.It must have been half an hour(the buses I get home don't have electronic signs that tell you when they're coming).My legs were like jelly at this stage but eventually the bus arrived!

I casually hopped on,swiping my ticket as I passed the machine.The bus was quiet,I could see only two other people.I ambled down the aisle,didn't want to risk falling up the stairs.The bus was shaky,if I had been a driving instructor I would have questioned the clutch control.As I got closer to the back of the bus I noticed a banana skin on the ground.For those of you who don't know,I HATE banana's more than anything....even more than custard creams.In a normal situation I would have avoided it,walked around it or pretended not to see it.Not this evening!I decided I would be a good citizen,save somebody else from slipping.We've all been there!I kneeled down slowly and reached my arm out.My handbag was so full it pulled me closer to the floor.Got it!Mission complete!!I rose from the floor,banana skin in hand.I tried to fool myself,tell myself it wasn't really a banana skin.I continued to stand up and the bus began to jolt.I could feel myself losing my balance.There was nowhere to fall.I looked directly across from me.Sat there was a young man,oblivious to my existence.His music pumped through his headphones.He sat upright and barely moved except for breathing.His eyes were focused straight ahead.He hadn't noticed me get on.

That soon changed.The bus continued to jolt.I could see red lights shining in the darkness of the road.I could feel my legs begining to cave beneath me.Within seconds I was sprawled out across his lap.I felt his body jump.I still had the banana skin in my hand but it was resting on his bag.He said nothing and I was too scared to look up.I could hear his music through his headphones.Two door cinema club resounded,something good can work?In this situation I really doubted it.I had to pull myself together.Act cool.

I stood up,pulled down my skirt,flipped my fringe back into place,nodded and continued to the back of the bus.I sat down with a thud and  planted the banana skin on the seat beside me.I watched as the young man left,he turned and gave me a nod.A nod of sympathy I think.No doubt he was concerned for my welfare,I could fall into anyone's lap and they might not be so forgiving.I soon got off the bus and thanked the bus driver who passed no remark.It was from that day on that I decided my previous judgement on both bananas and buses had been right.They are best avoided.

Like my shoes ?!

So I get the dart a lot.At least twice a day.(For those of you who don't know the dart is a train serving the Dublin area,often pronounced doirt)Anybody who gets it from the southside on a regular basis will nod in agreement with me when I say it is is filled with interesting characters.It's not the creepy old men that worry me or even the drunk ones on the way home,it's the people that seem normal that you have to watch out for.Every morning I encounter business women who pick their noses,college students who 'flick what they've picked' and one particular young man who bops his head aggressively to his 'rocker' beats.Needless to say,I'm not one to judge,we've all had those days,right?!

The Metro herald is a wonderful,free publication.A favourite of public transport commuters,an essential!It is riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes(again I'm not one to judge)and bursting with useless information about various topics around the world.Commuters read this paper from cover to cover on their way to work school or college,taking note of the letters page where misquoted students regularly feature along with other commuters lodging their complaints or appreciations about the Irish transport service.A gem some would say!

At the start of every Metro(herald) there is the date and a list of birthdays on said day.This comes in handy when you want to impress fellow college chums or that handsome young man sitting opposite you,it's a good conversation starter,who wouldn't respond to 'hey,did you know it's Lady Gaga's birthday today?!'Anyway,last January I was enjoying my daily Metro fix.I payed particular attention to the birthday's page,always good to know that your father and Dolly Parton share the same one!I was particularly sleepy on this day and quickly grew tired of the news of the celeb world and even the letters page was unexciting.I placed my metro on the floor beside my seat and diverted my attention to the wise lyrics of owl city.I pumped up the volume and closed my eyes.With every stop I would jolt forward and through squinted eyes I noticed the booth begin to fill up.Within 5 stops all of the seats were taken.I looked around the booth.A business man to my right,headphones in and asleep.Directly opposite me was a middle aged woman,very high-tec with her kindle (these dart people are too good for regular books!!).Diagonally across from me was a guy about my age,hood up,trademark white cables hanging down from his hoody and bent double reading the newspaper.The carriage was busy with school kids yapping and business people exchanging office gossip.People came and went from the train brushing against my shoulder as they walked.I payed little notice,this is a regular for me.After some time it occurred to me that I should perhaps keep the Metro from that day(I have a habit of giving people the Metro from their birthday,usually I give it to people who appreciate it much less than I do).I had placed it beside me,couldn't have gone far.

I reached down to my left.Remaining cool I scrambled around for it with my hand.It seemed that during the rush my beloved Metro had been dragged further down the carriage.No Problem!I thought surely it was within arms reach.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am not the most graceful at times.I do try very hard but sometimes my efforts fail.There I was sitting in my usual attire,dress,tights,jacket,headphones in.I reached backwards,I stretched my arm out,at this stage I was relying on my hand to do the finding but to no avail.It was time for my eyes to do some work.I turned my head around,there it was!I reached further back but began to wobble.I stretched my right leg out in front of me.I was getting closer.I lifted my leg slightly higher.Lets remember that short dresses with stretched legs leave little to the imagination but you don't think of this at such crucial times.I had a mission to complete.I continued to reach,lifting my leg higher.Suddenly I felt an unfamiliar surface on the top of my shoe followed by an 'oww!!!'The double over young man had met my shoe,or my shoe had met his nose whichever way you like to put it.In shock I returned to original position frantically pulling my dress over my knees."I'M SO SORRY!!"I blurted through my own music."It's fine",he replied abruptly.The kindle lady looked disappointed and gave me a sympathetic nod.In my mortified state I abandoned my mission.Surely he would get off in a few stops.

The train approached my stop,all the while thoughts clouded my mind.What if I had broken his nose?What is he sued me?These were all unrealistic thoughts but so was attempting to reach that metro from my seat.Previously I had thought it was unrealistic to think that my TY self-defence could be put into practise.

Mortified I arose from my seat at my station,nodding to the kindle lady.I didn't acknowledge my victim but awkwardly shuffled down the carriage and rummaged in my pocket looking for my ticket.I breathed a sign of relief as I walked through the barrier.Nobody had seen my mishap and I would never see the man again...until I met him walking the same route as me to college.

You see it's the normal looking people you have to be most cautious of.You must remain in an upright position.Hold onto your metro like it's a pair of size 5 shoes in penneys and don't let it hit that floor until you're certain it's of no use to you.I've seen that guy since and we never exchange smiles...totes awkie mo mo!

A wee present...

I probably should have written these in Chronological order,anyway.Let's go back a few years to when I was a baby.Obviously I don't remember this but I have been told about it many times.

So when I was approximately 3 months old I was brought to a church gathering in Wicklow.(I said already my parents are Christians so Churches,camps and beach missions were a huge part of my life growing up).Anyway,when I was growing up my church was linked with another church about half an hour away.My family went down to visit the congregation, showing off their new baby.I must've been younger than 3 months...maybe only a few weeks old.They were walking around anyway,proud as punch,introducing me to all the different people.

One older woman asked if she could hold me.My parents smiled and apprehensively handed me over and watched as the woman cuddled me and told me how cute I was( they continued to watch,you can never be too careful with presbyterians :P).The woman took good care of me,explained that she had a grandson the same age and that perhaps we would be in school together.My parents smiled and nodded,paying little attention,looking lovingly at their first child.Time passed and the small talk continued...the woman looked startled and quickly handed me back to my parents.They were shocked,why would anybody want rid of their bundle of joy?!Despite their shock they took me back with open arms only to acquire the same startled look.It would appear that I had experienced a 'nappy malfunction' the poor woman's dress was soaked and soon my dad's shirt was the same.My parents apologised and made a brisk escape.Totes awky mo mo for them more than me.I hadn't noticed.I slept blissfully in the car home while my parents cringed at the trouble I had brought upon them.

There was little mention of this event until it neared time for secondary school.I learned that the lady's grandson would be in school with me.The first day arrived and I discovered he was in my form.As a timid twelve year old I avoided him like the plague.His sporty,'cool' image didn't match mine as a spotty,frizzy haired teenager.I was embarassed he might have known about the 'incident'.He payed no attention to me so it was all good.After I had built up my confidence a bit I began to put my trust in people far too quickly.Soon I was admitting the incident to a group of girls in an awkward attempt to make friends and before I knew it he was avoiding me at all costs.I tied two and two together and assumed they had relayed the message on to him.

The years of assigned seats in maths class killed me.We would never speak except for the occassional grunt of 'gis a pen!'.No please,no thankyou,no how was your weekend?!I hate to think I have offended people so I tried to make ammends.I decided one day I would apologise.I practiced what I would say,I caught him on his way out of the boys bathroom(the smell in itself took bravery to endure).I muttered something incomprehensible to which he responded "whaaa??" I took a deep breath and a gulp.I paused for a moment.'I'M SORRY FOR PEEING ON YOUR GRANNY!!!' I spluttered.The response was the same,'Whaaa?!?"I discovered he knew nothing until that moment,any chance of a friendship had been destroyed.He looked at me through squinty eyes and continued walking past.My face shone a beetroot red.

I continued through school,sat through many awkward maths classes and finished school with very few pens.I can see why he didn't want to be friends.I didn't really help myself.Two years out of school nearly and I decided I would add him on fb,surely no hard feelings now...or so you would think.Three declined friend requests later I'm still embrassed by that fateful day.

Where it all began...

Okay,it's hard to define when all my awkwardness began.I don't remember ever not being awkward or easily embarassed.It's a big part of who I am but it's only in the last few years that I've began to embrace it and realise it won't just dissapear.It's like rosey cheeks,you hope that as you grow older they will somehow dissapear from your skin and let you continue with your life instead of helping draw attention to you.People tell you they're cute but really there comes a stage when you are 'too cool' for them.My being awkward is just the same,no matter how hard I try I still manage to do the most awkward things and walk into the most awkward situations.

I'm not proud of it by any means,I'm happy to tell my friends about these things after I've recovered from the cringey feeling in the pit of my stomach but I havn't always been comfortable to talk about it.I love writing and it gives me more material to work with I guess.

So,the first awkward moment I can remember was when I was about 3.My Aunt had just purchased a pricey new pad in an expensive south Dublin area.No expense spared and the floor was covered with posh,expensive, cream carpet.All was well with life until the country cousin arrived.In my innocence,I took little notice of cream carpets...they have carpets in Wicklow,what's the big deal?!

My cousin,a few months older than me also took little notice.She had become accustomed to such an expensive lifestyle oblivious to the luxury and thousands of pounds spent(hard to believe they used pounds then!!!)

Before I go any further, it is important to remember that both sets of parents had left us to our own devices in a newly furbished house....this is an awkward moment in itself!So,what better to do on a summer's afternoon than open a bottle of Sonic the Hedgehog bubble bath near the top of the stairs?It seemed like a great Idea.My cousin carried it carefully to the top of the stairs,placed it down and we sat down.What intelligent children we were,playing at the top of the stairs.We carried on with our game,poor Sonic became more and more slippy but the carpet remained intact,not that it mattered,what's carpet remember?!

Before I knew it it was my turn with Sonic.I reached for him excitedly,he was still missing his hair and I could see his navy insides splashing around,nonetheless I continued to reach for him.I got hold of him!Yes!My enthusiasm was too much for poor Sonic and he 'jumped' out of my hands and spewed his insides all over the cream stairs...

I had been oblivious to the carpet before but the contrast  between navy and cream made something in my brain tick...something wasn't right!"OH MY GOD!!!'I cried!! My parents hadn't even heard the bang but their good Christian Morals left their ears on alert for oh my God's.Before I knew it they were standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me,waiting to correct their foul mouthed three year old only to discover that my language was the least of their problems.

So I destroyed a carpet and shamed my parents in the space of 20 minutes.My family are all on talking terms so nothing bad ever came of it.I grew up to be a Christian myself so there have been no more OMGs uttered from my mouth.Nothing a carpet cleaner can't fix,right?!

The time has come,the moment you've all been waiting for...the totes awks blog has arrived!!I'm still not sure why any of you want to read something like this but I need an escape from essays and someway of remembering this stuff and telling the grandchildren!! :P

I won't put up every awkward moment(there would be too many and also it's better telling you in person).I'll try give a good mix from dart stories to school stories but I'm not sure that me writing them will do them any justice.


Anyway,we'll see how it goes,enjoy!!